


Used to be home. Now it’s not.

by excelsiorboi



Series: Not Really Back Home [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War, Steeb is still hurt, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, The divorce was rough man, Tonee is hurt, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Tony perspective, not really tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 19:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18666706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excelsiorboi/pseuds/excelsiorboi
Summary: Tony took a deep breath to calm his stuttering nerves. His eyebrows scrunched up as he failed to stop his leg from bouncing nervously for the 8th time. His palms were sweating up a storm. Bloody Hell someone might’ve thought he was meeting up with his ex-wife with all of the kids who hate their deadbeat father. With his situation, he damn straight could be.orAfter Civil War in which Tony Stark’s last defense is to pretend to not remember his family and his love.NO ENDGAME SPOILERS (probs not even going to include Infinity War so we safe)





	Used to be home. Now it’s not.

Tony took a deep breath to calm his stuttering nerves. His eyebrows scrunched up as he failed to stop his leg from bouncing nervously for the 8th time. His palms were sweating up a storm. Bloody Hell someone might’ve thought he was meeting up with his ex-wife with all of the kids who hate their deadbeat father. With his situation, he damn straight could be.    
  
The inventor run a hand through his sticky gelled hair and grimaced. He shouldn’t have done that. It took hours to get his bird’s nest, that he called hair, remotely decent. Pepper’s gonna be pissed. Clenching slightly on his aviator’s, he glanced out the giant ass window beside him. The dread casually filling him up pretty quickly as he tried to spot the familiar figure of the Quinjet.    
  
Tony groaned, burying his hands in his face. His elbows resting on his knees as his foot started to bounce once again. He was stupid to do this. Why of all the things he chose to do he did this? Why did he even convince his Honey Bear to allow him to do this? Why did he help them get pardoned? Why did he choose to house and even welcome the damn Rogue Avengers to his home after... after abandoning him like that? After leaving him to rot in Siberia? After what Steve had done?    
  
The genius let out a sardonic chuckle. Oh the masochistic tendencies of his heart. What stupidity his heart has conceived by getting a soft spot for America’s Asshole Saviours. His chuckle soon became small whimpers.   
  
Tony felt a weight drop on his chest. It was getting harder to breathe. Oh for fuck’s sake. Not now. He gritted his teeth and took deep breaths. Inhale. 1. 2. Exhale. Inhale. 1. 2. Exhale. Okay Tony you can do this. Finish this up quickly. Yes. Say Pepper’s waiting. Yes that’s a good excuse. Very good. All he had to do now was get his shit together an- The small brunette froze mid- pep talk, breath hitching in his lungs as he heard the sound of the Quinjet landing outside. They’re  _ here _ .    
  
Tony let out a shuddering exhale and forced himself to stand up. Although wobbly, he stood up. Casually putting on the aviators on his hand as if they would help them in facing ‘ _ them _ ’. Taking another deep breath, he forced himself to move. Be a few meters by the entrance from the Quinjet’s landing area. Be near the exit to his garage. Be ready to say his practiced lines- He denies that he said exact same lines in front of the mirror millions of times for the past week. Be ready to get out of this hell hole once he was done.    
  
He stood there waiting for the inevitable to come. Screw his heart for caring too much about them. It was weak enough as it is. Where the hell did it get enough energy to love and get this much it was unfair. Tony took several deep breaths to calm sudden heaviness in his chest. He bit his lip, nervously. His eyes darting to the entrance then to the house plant then the painting- oh when did that get there Tony doesn’t remember buying that. He forced himself to look relaxed, keep his stance casual. Do not let them know he felt like this because of them. He refuses to give them the satisfaction. He once again let his eyes roam around the room and sometimes the glass entrance when he saw them. More specifically he saw ‘ _ him _ .’   
  
Once again the multi-billionaire’s lungs seemed to forgot how to function. Tall, Blonde and Handsome walking straight towards him. His lackeys, the rest Tony’s former family, following closely behind. (Though he doubts the group would be able to seem him. The two way mirror was a good investment).    
  
Steve looked good. Tony wasn’t kidding. Steve looked fine as fuck. The beard totally suiting him. Still the beefcake blonde from Brooklyn Tony loves. Definite A+ to the lumberjack look. Tony flashed a painful smile to himself. Oh woe is him. His poor poor soul who couldn’t get over his silly childish crush on his childhood hero/best friend. At least that was what Steve was to him. Then he saw the glint of silver to his right. It took Tony a second to register what it was. A second for Tony’s painful smile to drop along with the sudden erratic beating of his heart. He was breathing far far worse now.    
  
He took panicked breaths to calm everything down. He needed to be calm. He needed to finish do this then he can leave. Steve reached out to the entrance door. Shit. Tony couldn’t do this. He ‘couldn’t’ do this fu ck. Before he could even calm himself completely, he felt himself plaster a fake smile out of muscle memory. His stance seemingly relaxed. As his hands absent-mindedly “fixed” the ruffled cufflinks on his coat.    
  
Tony Stark looked up and instantly locked gazes with Steve Rogers. Everything in him was telling to run, to get away, to escape but he couldn’t his body wasn’t responding. He firmly stood there, cold smile still locked in place.    
  
Steve’s gaze penetrated him as the group walked closer to Tony and into the building. Tony feared he would see through the aviator’s and see how Tony was really feeling. Internally, everything was in turmoil. He needed to get away. Tony was torn. In love, hate and fear of Steve and his former family. Those baby blues and full lips are begging him to just kiss them senseless, to have Steve, to love him and be loved. Tony was practically itching to just pounce on Steve. Holding on to the silly hope of what Steve had once promised. Together he said.

 

“Together” my ass. 

 

At the same time, he also wanted to run away and possibly spit on him once or twice. Those broad shoulders reminding him of how Steve easily towered over him. Easily took him out. Leave him. Half-dead. The genius wanted to breakdown. The full package ya know angry sobbing and all bottled negative emotions pouring out.    
  
But he physically can’t. The muscle memory of dealing with unwanted press was a force to be reckoned with. His body stood unwavered. Cold in stance and attitude.    
  
Steve and co. stopped a few meters in front of Tony. They were close enough that Tony could see the emotions dancing in Steve’s eyes. He could see the uncertainty, doubt, fear, pain and even a slight bit of happiness in those deep baby blues. Tony internally shuddered. He felt the small grim “for the Press” smile on his lips. His tensed posture as one of them waited for the other to move first. Gladly Tony’s mouth took the lead.    
  
_ “You guys must be the Rogue Avengers his Highness, T’challa has mentioned. Well the name’s Tony Stark though I guess you already knew that,” _ The genius winced in his head, foot tapping nervously yet again. What the fuck was that? What kind of nonsense bullshit was his mouth coming up with? Sure he played around with the idea of pretending to be amnesiac but f u ck.    
  
His eyes sweeped across the group as he said that, Internally frowning at Clint for scoffing, before settling on Steve. Poor Steve. Poor adorable Steve whose eyebrows were furrowed like a confused child. Tony was so done for. Steve could just give him that look and he was done for and certainly not in a good way.    
  


But he can’t. Not again. Not after the lies and not after the empty promise of being “together” through it all.   
  


_ “Welcome back to the Land of the Free! Can’t really show you around right now, Pepper’s gonna kill me if I miss a meeting again. You know who Pepper is right? If what King T’Challa said was true then you should. I really should leave by now. Ask Friday if you want anything and make yourselves at home!” _ Tony mentally grimaced as his voice raised towards the end. He could leave now. Leave. Escape. Get out. Everything was too suffocating. The tension so thick almost visible. He almost ran out the door wanting  _ out _ right that instant. He pretended to not know about him about them. That was bad. Certainly not making the situation and better but maybe subconsciously he thought it was for his own good, to push them out of his life and find closure maybe  _ if he could get out of the damn room in the first place _ .    
  
But good things can never happen to someone like Tony Stark, especially and specifically Anthony Edward Stark.    
  
As he turned, he felt a grip on his arm. He all but physically flinched. His insides were on fire. He wanted to hurl. His composure broke for a second as he felt himself relax after tensing up. He took a quiet deep breath, shrugging off the burning grip and steeled himself to turn and look at the face that haunted his nights for the previous years. That’s right. Years and Tony still isn’t over. What a pathetic loser.    
  
The gaze Steve had on him wasn’t helping either. The buff man looked like he wanted Tony. It such a huge pathetic lie Tony’s hopeful mind could see. As if Steve could want him.    
  
With a stoic face, Tony asked,  _ “May I help you, Mister?” _ All-complete with intonation specifically hinting that he was asking for the blonde’s name. Steve’s reaction towards the statement wasn’t what he was expecting.    
  
The blonde suddenly closed up from being open towards Tony. Those blue eyes Tony loved so much widening with concern, confusion, regret, anger and pain. So much pain. His face marred with a frown. Tony didn’t like that look on him. It poked on Tony’s battered heart. It was better this way. Tony didn’t want to get hurt no more.    
Not anymore if he had any say about it. 

  
_ “Tony what are you talking about? It’s me, Steve. Steve Rogers, Captain America. Stark you know me,” _ His husky deep voice laced up with desperation said. Eyes desperately searching in Tony’s own, probably wanting to know how the resident genius felt. Fair knuckles already growing paler from being clenched too hard. It tugged on his Tony’s heart strings. It tugged so much it hurt.    
  
He couldn’t do this anymore. The facade isn’t going to hold up much longer. Oh fuck he wanted to puke. Fucking hell he needed out. He was suffocating. Heart clenching so bad, he feels as if his heart was trying to physically break into two. He needed to leave. ASAP.   
  
_ “Uh okay ‘Steve’ ” _ Tony mentally grimaced at his own intonation of making his former favorite word/name so unfamiliar coming from his lips.  _ “But I went a bit cuckoo from a fight way back. Said I was lucky to be alive despite losing my memories so forgive me for not knowing who you are but I really have to leave,”  _ Tony was losing his composure. His true emotions shining as his voice raised against the taller man. He hasn’t stopped suffocating. The grip from earlier was burning. Tears are threatening to build up in his eyes. His heart feels like it's physically tearing itself apart. There was a ringing in his ears. He doesn’t care about everything else for now. He just needed to get out. He couldn’t do this anymore. He can’t face the man he once and still does love no more. Not when he also fears and hates him. The genius’ muscle memory instantly kicked back in and his lips were forced into a firm line. He walked out the door, slamming it heavily on its hinges before proceeding to crumble against it, curling into a quivering, dry heaving ball.The famous Tony Stark trademark of dealing with unwanted people officially drained out of his system and it left Tony dealing with the crumbling mess that was himself.    
  
He could still feel Steve. Everything around him was so full of Steve that he was starting to suffocate even worse. He could still feel Steve’s presence around him. That heavy piercing gaze on him. His touch despite being on the suit, searing a phantom touch on his skin. Tony was drowning. He couldn’t stop the small bursts of sobbing and whimpering as he broke down by the door. Suffocating and Drowning. Heart split in two. Caught between being love sick, hate, fear and regret.    
  
He wasn’t sure if he could stop pretending. His lie was up. The show was on with its curtains drawn and Tony was right smack dab in the center of it. A particularly loud sob got out of his throat.    
  
He just wanted everything to stop. He didn’t want to stress or worry about this anymore. He was tired enough to not want to.    
  
Anthony Stark was sobbing and shaking by a door where behind it was where his former family once stood. That was how Vision found him and promptly picked him up away from them. Away from Steve.    
  
And that was how Tony found himself taking deep breaths to calm his aching heart for just even for a second.    
  


This used to be home.  _ He  _ used to be home. But not really not anymore.    
  


**Author's Note:**

> hi! So thanks for reading!! It’s probably very short like the previous one though still not sure about continuing this. 
> 
> I would appreciate kudos and constructive criticism thanks!!


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